Smile away
by Lothiriel84
Summary: She dragged herself upstairs – each step more painful than the previous one. It almost felt as if her whole life was falling to pieces. Just like her team, as a matter of fact.


_**Author's note:** This is way darker than my usual stories, so be warned. Written for the Paint It Red Ficathon - the prompt is a quote from the song "Give Your Heart a Break" by Demi Lovato._**  
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**Smile away**

She dragged herself upstairs – each step more painful than the previous one.

It almost felt as if her whole life was falling to pieces. Just like her team, as a matter of fact.

Without bothering to knock, she slid the door open and entered the attic.

"Jane".

They stared at each other silently for what seemed an eternity.

"Hi, Lisbon", he flatly replied at long last.

"You shouldn't stay here alone. It isn't good for you".

"Somehow I don't really feel like case-closed pizza, you know".

She bit her lip – resisting the sudden urge to laugh hysterically. There wasn't going to be any case-closed pizza this time. Both of them knew that very well.

"How are you feeling now?"

Her tentative question was exactly what he was waiting for. He offered her one of his well-faked cheerful smiles. "I'm totally fine, Lisbon. You don't have to worry about me".

That wasn't enough to fool her. Somewhere along the years she had actually learned to see right through him and his pretense of being alright.

"Please don't".

"_Don't_ what, pray?"

"Don't smile at me that way. You always do it when you try to shut me out. I don't want you to pull away from me".

His jaw tightened slightly. "What do you expect me to do? Throw a party or something like that?"

"I'm your friend, Jane. I just need the truth".

He laughed mirthlessly. "The truth? Well, here you are. Truth is, I can't help hating Van Pelt for what she's done. Are you happy now that I've told you?"

A long pause followed. "Maybe she had her own claim on revenge too".

"Really?"

"Come on. You know what I'm talking about. Red John _was_ the one behind O'Laughlin, after all".

"She didn't get her own family murdered though".

Lisbon rubbed an hand on her brow in a desperate attempt to relieve her headache. "The man she loved and trusted was simply using her as a means to his end – or rather Red John's. She's every right to feel betrayed".

"Yeah. So it's fine for her to accomplish her revenge – while the same doesn't apply to me".

"I never said it was _fine_!", she snapped at last. "She risks going to jail for the rest of her life – or even worse. You should be helping her out of this mess, instead of blaming her for what she's done".

"You're right. I might even send her a bouquet, what do you think about that?"

The heavy sarcasm in his words made her flinch. "Red John is dead, Jane. Isn't that enough for you?"

"Red John was _mine_. I was the one supposed to kill him. I made it through all of these years with this single purpose. And now… someone else has to step in and steal him from me. I might as well have killed myself eight years ago".

His anger had him realizing a moment too late what had actually escaped from his lips. Lisbon jerked back as if she'd just received a blow on her face.

He heaved a sigh. "Okay, I guess I got a bit carried away. Didn't really mean the last part anyway".

She backed further when he tried to place a reassuring hand on her arm.

"Don't even dare to touch me".

"Lisbon, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't…"

"Oh, you _did_. You did, and you couldn't care less about me – or about anybody else, for that matter".

"Lisbon…"

"Don't _Lisbon_ me, Jane! I'm sick and tired of it all! Van Pelt is in jail, Rigsby is so broken about this that he can barely visit her – while Cho is as upset as I've never seen him before. Now you come and talk about killing yourself… just like my father did… and… oh, I wish I'd never met you. I wish I'd never even _heard_ of you. Go jump out of a window, if that really makes you feel better. I don't care!"

She did though. That's why she felt so hurt right now. He couldn't stand the thought of her suffering like this.

"I'm sorry, Teresa. Believe me. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry".

Overcoming her attempts at shoving him away, he drew her into his arms.

"I know I've been a selfish bastard all along. While you're the single person that still matters to me – that I still care about. I'm not asking for your forgiveness – I don't deserve it. I just want you to stop hurting yourself. None of this was your fault, you have to get that".

She was sobbing against his chest now. Placing a gentle finger under her chin, he guided her to meet his gaze. "I'm not going to kill myself. I promise".

"Okay", she whispered weakly.

"I'll even help you to get Van Pelt out of jail. You just have to do one thing for me".

"What?"

"Give me a smile – even a small one. I need it to be sure that it's worth it".

All her efforts were barely enough to gather a watery smile. It was the most beautiful thing Jane had seen in years anyway.

"Now let's get out of here. As you said before, it's not good – for neither of us".


End file.
